The United League of Stereotypes/Script
THE UNITED LEAGUE OF STEREOTYPES written by Ancy We open on Ben’s home, 3 years ago (AKA Ben is 18). It’s deep into the night, and Ben drives up in his old car (which is technically his mom’s but fuck Ferrick). Ben and Looma step out of the car, dressed in date attire. (Looma): I had a great time tonight, Ben. (Ben): Me too, Looma. I know it’s only our third date, but… would you like to come inside? (Looma): Why yes, I would like that very much! (Ben): Score! Ben and Looma walk inside, but then the Pikltrix gets a call. Ben picks up the phone Ben pick up the phone Ben pick up the phone Ben (Ben): Do you mind, grandpa? I’m on a date! (Max): Again? Is it that Tetramand girl? She’s nice. (Ben): I know, grandpa. Can’t you just call me another time? (Max): Sorry, Ben, but I can’t. The Circus Freaks are attacking the old folk’s home! (Ben): Le sigh. Alright, fine. I’ll be right there. Ben hangs up. (Ben): Sorry, Looma, grandpa needs me. It’s the Circus Freaks again. (Looma): Again? Can’t you just let the others handle it? (Ben): My grandpa’s kind of a hard-ass, so no, I can’t. I’ll make it up to you next time, I promise! Ben runs out of the house, turns into AmpFibian, and flies up into the air. However, Looma runs out of the house as well and stops him. (Looma): Ben, wait! Can you promise me one thing? (AmpFibian): Uhh, sure, what is it? (Looma): Promise me… promise me you’ll be safe. AmpFibian lands and turns back into Ben. (Ben): Of course I’ll be safe! (Looma): Just promise me, okay? (Ben): Alright, alright! …I promise you I’ll be safe, Looma. (Looma): Good. Now go! (Ben): You got it! Ben turns into AmpFibian again and flies off. (Looma): That’s my man. INTRO Cut to Max’s 69th birthday back in the present day. Everyone’s there, including Ben, Gwen, Kevin, Francis, Rook, Looma, Remake Jerry, and Molestache Jerry. (Rook): Open my gift, Magister Tennyson! (Ben): Kiss-ass. Max opens Rook’s gift. It’s one of those weird Rookplanet fruits. (Max): Thanks, Rook! (Ben): Hey Gwen, we’re sharing our gift, right? (Gwen): What? No! I bought this thing by myself! (Kevin): C’mon man, even I bought him a present! And I barely know him! (Gwen): You should’ve bought him a gift yourself instead of sharing the credit with others. (Ben): Oh, come on, Gwen! We spent like 69 summers together as kids! Can’t you just do this one thing for me? (Gwen): Buy your own gifts! (Max): Alright, so who’s gift is next? (Gwen): Ben would like to go next. (Ben): What? No! (Max): Alright, which gift is yours, Ben? (Ben): I hate you, Gwen. My gift is… uh… still being ordered! (Max): Oh, it’s from a different country? (Ben): Exactly! (Gwen): That is such bullspit. (Ben): It’s not a lie, Gwen. I bought him a gift from the Netherlands. Cut to the Netherlands. UPS deliverymen invade Ancy’s house. (UPS Guy): Ancyforth, come with me! Ben Tennyson has legally bought the rights to your life through eBay! (Ancy): W-what? But that’s slavery! (UPS Guy): Come with me, maggot! The UPS deliverymen drag Ancy outside by his knees and throw him into their van. (Ancy): I never should’ve put my birth certificate on eBay! Cut back to AMERICA. (Gwen): Whatever, Ben. (Max): Well, I think that’s all the gifts. Let’s all have some punch! Cut to Ben having some punch when Rook approaches him. (Rook): Hey Bendude, did you know that Adolf Hitler has a third testicle? (Ben): What? No he doesn’t! (Rook): It’s true, look it up! (Max): What are you kids talking about? (Ben): Rook says that Adolf Hitler has a third testicle! (Rook): It’s true! (Ben): It’s not! (Rook): Is so! (Ben): Is not! (Rook): Is so! (Ben): bitch I said it’s not (Max): Well why don’t you see for yourself? (Ben): …what? What do you mean, grandpa? Like, go back in time with Clockwork? (Max): No! Visit Adolf Hitler yourself! (Ben): But he’s dead, grandpa. He shot himself. (Max): That’s what YOU think. (Rook): What are you talking about, Willis? See, that’s a joke I got from your Earth sitcoms. (Ben): Don’t. Never again. Don’t. (Max): Come with me, boys… Cut to Max, Ben and Rook driving to Max’s Plumbing. They go into the bathroom, and use the toilet elevator. (Max): Can you kids keep a secret? (Rook): Uhh, sure. What’s this about, Magister Tennyson? (Max): 69 years ago— (Ben): LOL! (Max): No, I’m serious. It actually was 69 years ago, in 1945. (Ben): Wait, what? Ben does math to himself. (Max): Anyways, 69 years ago, the Nazi Party was defeated by swaggy Americans. When they captured Adolf Hitler, president Harry S. Truman decided to spare his live, and created a new program called “the United League of Stereotypes”, a government operation that would keep the world’s greatest dictators kept in a Plumber base in Mount Rushmore. The same one where we fought the Negative Ten! Remember that, Ben? (Ben): …Carry the 6, add the 5, divided by 25… (Max): Fine, jeez. Anyways, the United League of Stereotypes currently holds the greatest dictator of each country on Earth. (Rook): So we can actually meet Adolf Hitler? (Max): You can only see. Due to safety, we’re not allowed to unfreeze them. Did you hear that, Ben? (Ben): …minus the 9, and, yeah! 1945 WAS 69 years ago! (Max): BEN! Pay attention! (Ben): Alright, alright! (Max): Where you even listening? (Ben): Of course I was! The Stereotyped League and Harry S. Truman’s third testicle. (Max): Good grief! Laugh track. Cut to the Washington base. (Rook): Wait, weren’t we taking the elevator to the Bellwood base? (Max): No we were taking the elevator to SHUT UP ROOK! (Ben): Oh, kill ‘em, grandpa! Max takes the two boys to an area marked “SECRET”. When they step inside, the whole place is iced over. Metroid Silence plays. (Ben): Cool! So where is Adolf Hitler, grandpa! (Max): Right here. Max walks over to an iced pod, with ice covering the window. Max wipes off the ice, to reveal Adolf Hitler. (Ben): I KNEW his mustache wasn’t fake! (Rook): You’re kind of dumb, Bendude. (Ben): Says the guy who can’t even quote Diff’rent Strokes. (Max): Boys, boys! Now, see if he has a third testicle, and we can get back to my birthday party that I mysteriously left. (Ben): Well someone has to pull down his pants. (Ben & Max): 1-2-3 NOT IT! (Rook): NOT IT! D’oh! Rook pulls Adolf Hitler’s very very very cold body out of the pod. He takes down his pants. Much to everyone’s surprise, he has no testicles at all. (Ben): So I guess we were both wrong. (Rook): Yeah. (Ben): So… is he a chick? (Rook): I… I think so. (Max): Let’s just get back to my birthday party. Max and Rook leave, but Ben stays behind. (Ben): I’ll just put his body back in the pod. Ben puts Hitler’s body back in the pod, but then as he’s walking out of the room he trips and his face hits a big red button. Alarms sound, as all the pods open, and the dictators are unfreezed. (Ben): Oh, crap. H-hey, grandpa Max? I made an oopsie! (Max): Well that’s okay Ben we have a spare pair of underpants in the—SWEET MOTHER OF JEFF! (Adolf Hitler): Wat zee? Vere am I? (Mussolini): This is-a very weird-a! (Stalin): In Mother Russia, teenager unfreezes YOU! (Ben): OH MY GOD HE HAS MEMES! EVERYBODY RUN! Ben, Max and Rook run from the dictators. (Rook): Shouldn’t we put them back in their pods? (Ben): SHUT UP AND RUN, ROOK! Ben, Max and Rook run into an elevator. They get out just before the dictators can catch them. (Max): Ben, I’m your grandfather and I love you, BUT WHAT THE SHREK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? (Rook): Why did you release the United League of Stereotypes!? (Ben): It was an oops! (Rook): Well what now? How are we gonna get back in their pods? (Ben): Doesn’t the Plumber base have sleeping gas or something? (Max): Good idea, Ben! We’ll get some weapons from the Bellwood, come back here, and kick their butts! (Ben): Well that’s not EXACTLY what I meant— (Rook): LET’S DO IT! Cut back to Max’s birthday party. Baumann, Ferrick, Pan-Pizza and Gaben are drinking juice boxes. (Baumann): Hey, where is Ben? And Max? (Ferrick): Probably Shreking off somewhere else. (Gaben): I’ll use my Gaben Vision to see where they are. Gaben uses his Gaben Vision. (Gaben): They’re in the Plumber base. For some reason, they’re gearing up with heavy weaponry. (Baumann): Maybe they’re in danger! (Gaben): Let’s go down there to see what they’re up to. Ferrick receives a text. (Ferrick): Oh, no. It’s from that stupid slut again. (Baumann): Your ex-wife? (Ferrick): Yeah. She wants me to pick up Ferrick Jr. from fossil fuel digging. Sorry guys, but I can’t come along to help Ben. (Baumann): Excuses, excuses. (Ferrick): Bitch how about you go pick up your kid from daycare instead of stalking a 21-year-old guy you supposedly hate and letting Gwen the illegitimate mother do all the work even though she has a job as a librarian and a superhero and you don’t do anything except stand behind the counter at the Baumannatorium even though no one buys anything from that place (Baumann): bitch Vilgax drops down from the ceiling and crushes Pan-Pizza. (Vilgax): HEY GUUUUUUYS! Maybe I can replace Ferrick this time! (Gaben): Better than nothing. Gaben teleports himself and his swaggy friends (except Ferrick) to the Plumber base. (Baumann): What’s going on here, guys? (Ben): We let a bunch of dictators escape and we’re gonna go defeat them! (Baumann): I’m not gonna question how that happened in any way and just go along with your plan. (Ben): Oh, okay. (Baumann): Just kidding. HOW THE HELL DID YOU LET A BUNCH OF DICTATORS ESCAPE!? (Ben): Well you see, Harry S. Truman made a thing called the Stereotyped League because he was upset about his third testicle or some Shrek like that. (Gaben): Good enough for me. Suit up everyone, we gotta get those dictators! SUDDENLY BIG EXPLOSION. A train crashes right through the Plumber base, hitting Gaben in the process. (Gaben): ow my toe Hitler, Stalin and Hussein come out of the train, armed with Proto-Tools. (Hitler): Efryone stay vere zey are if zey vant to live! (Vilgax): GUYS, DO SOMETHING! (Ben): On it! Ben turns into Lil Cannon and fires missiles at the three members of the League. They dodge, and the missiles blow up the train instead. (Hussein): OPEN FIRE! The three dictators fire their weapons at the gang. They run into the elevator and close the doors, shielding them from gunfire. (Stalin): In Soviet Russia, elevator shields YOU! (Hitler): Get zem out of tzere! The three dictators open fire on the elevator doors. Ben turns back. (Baumann): What do we do!? (Max): The elevator doors can only take so much gunfire before they cave in and break. We need to come up with a plan, fast. (Vilgax): Can’t we just take the elevator and get out of here? (Rook): We need to take down the dictators first! (Gaben): I could use my godly powers to take them down but I won’t because then this adventure would be shorter and more boring. (Ben): Don’t worry, guys. I’ll take them out with my SpEcTaCuLaR aliens! Ben turns into Ripjaws. (Ripjaws): …This isn’t what I had in mind. (Max): Ben, we don’t have time for joking around! (Ripjaws): I’m working on a plan, grandpa! …jeez, rude bitch. Ben turns into Swampfire. (Swampfire): It’s hero time! (Max): You haven’t said that in like 5 years. The doors finally cave in, and they break down. (Hitler): SHOOT ZEM NOW! Swampfire sprays his swamp gas everywhere. When Hitler shoots at Swampfire, the bullets light the gas, and the whole area explodes. After the smoke passes, Swampfire climbs out of the rubble. (Swampfire): You guys okay? (Baumann): I’m bleeding! (Swampfire): Everyone’s fine. Ben turns back. He looks around at the destroyed Plumber base. (Ben): Wow, I messed this place up good. (Max): I can’t find those dictators anywhere! (Ben): I guess that means they’re dead. Hitler comes up from the rubble. (Hitler): Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you saw the last of me! Hitler opens fire on Ben. Ben turns into Diamondhead and shields himself and Max from incoming fire by digging his hands into the ground and creating a barrier of diamond. (Max): Dammit, they’re still alive! (Vilgax): It’s like they can’t be killed! (Diamondhead): When did you get here, Vilgax? (Vilgax): I dunno. (Max): Nothing can take them out! It’s like those years of being cryogenically suspended gave them extra hardened skin! (Diamondhead): That sounds dumb but I don’t have any better theories so I’m gonna go with that. (Max): We gotta get them back in those pods. (Diamondhead): Actually, I think I have a better idea. (Max): And what’s that? (Diamondhead): EVERYONE HEAD FOR THE SECRET EXIT! Max, Rook, Vilgax, Gaben and Baumann run into the men’s bathroom. Ben turns into NRG. (NRG): ODIE! NRG fires his swaggy beam at the ceiling, and it catches on fire. The roof starts to crumble. Big boulders fall everywhere, including one that crushes Evil Shocksquatch, who was there for no reason. (Hitler): Vat are you doing!? NRG turns back into Ben, and runs into the men’s bathroom. He dives into a toilet, and flushes himself. He comes out of a pipe on the highway, where the rest of the gang is waiting for him. Max’s Plumbing can be seen in the background. (Max): Ben! Did you defeat Hitler and the others? (Ben): Well, not yet. That’s part of my plan. (Baumann): What IS your plan? (Ben): Well, it’s not a plan without sacrifice, but— In the background, Max’s Plumbing sinks into the ground. (Max): BEN! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!? (Ben): Okay, so MAYBE I had to tear down the whole Plumber base to defeat them. But hey, I defeated them! Those guys are six feet under, covered in rubble. (Rook): But those were only 3 dictators! There’s hundreds left of them back in the Washington! (Baumann): You are such a moron, Tennyson! (Ben): What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. (Baumann): woa Cut to the site of the sinkhole that was previously Max’s Plumbing. Police cars surround the area. Our heroes arrive on the scene. (Max): A whole Plumber base, wasted! What will Magister Hulka think of me? (Ben): Hey, look on the bright side! Now I can brag to Gwen that I killed Hitler. Suddenly, an Electrician roflcopter lands near the scene. Out come Stoon and Hipple, Rook and Hobble’s counterparts. (Stoon): That’s enough for today, fellas. Me and my partner here will resume the investigation on behalf of Electrician Incorporated. (Cop): Electrician Incorporated isn’t a recognized form of law enforcement. (Stoon): I’ll give you 5 bucks if you leave. (Cop): Deal. The police leave the area. (Rook): That cat-looking guy looks weird. But also kinda hot. (Ben): I don’t like that small guy. I feel like he would be really bad on stealth missions. (Hipple): Alright, you people need to leave this area as well. (Max): I’m not leaving this area! This is MY property! …it just sunk into the ground is all. Hipple points a gun at Max. Cue ambient music. (Hipple): I said…. Leave. The area. (Rook): Let’s just go, Magister Tennyson. This place is nothing but a wreck. Psyphon pulls up in the Chimerian Minivan. (Psyphon): Let’s go, guys! (Vilgax): Right on time, Psyphon! The gang steps into the Chimerian Minivan and drive off. Stoon and Hipple look around the area with metal detector-type things until Stoon’s detector starts beeping wildly. Stoon digs Hussein from the rubble. (Stoon): Dammit, this is the wrong one. (Hipple): Found him! Hipple digs Hitler up from the dirt. (Hitler): W-who are you people? (Stoon): It doesn’t matter who we are. Our boss is very interested in meeting you, Adolf. (Hipple): Come with us. Stoon and Hipple drag Hitler into the roflcopter. Hussein and Stalin follow them in. The roflcopter takes off. Cut to Ferrick shaking his paw at Swaggatronix. The Freakz are performing. (Billy Larry): Alright, that was “Shake Your Paw”. We’re gonna take a quick break, and then we’ll be back with “Spoopy Scary Skeletons”. Billy Larry and Ferrick walk to the bar, where Evil Shocksquatch is romancing Yetta. Ferrick gets a call from Ferricka. (Ferrick): What do you want now? *phone babble* (Ferrick): No, it was your turn to pick up the twins. *phone babble* (Ferrick): God dammit Ferricka, I’m getting real sick of you. That’s it, I’m signing the papers. You have the kids, I don’t ever wanna see you ever again. Ferrick hangs up. (Billy Larry): Nice job standing up to your ex-wife, Ferrick! (Ferrick): Thanks. (Billy Larry): You should come on tour with us. We’re going to Gaysexland next week. (Ferrick): That sounds cool. I’m in. (Billy Larry): #SWAG Kuphulu, Vicktor, Krujo and Lord Transyl come in. (Billy Larry): Hey guys, Ferrick’s joining our Gaysexlandian tour! (Kuphulu): #SWAG (Vicktor): #SWAG (Krujo): #SWAG (Lord Transyl): #SWAG Cut to the Electrician Incorporated office. Hitler walks into Matt Ninesister’s office. (Matt Ninesister): Why don’t you take a seat right over there. (Hitler): Vat is dis? Vat do you vant from me? (Matt Ninesister): I don’t want anything from you. I’m here to support you. (Hitler): …vat? (Matt Ninesister): I know about the League, Adolf. I’m here to help you get back into the world. (Hitler): How do you know about zee League? It is a Plumber zecret! (Matt Ninesister): We have an agent inside the Plumbers, but that doesn’t matter now. My father raised me as a strong believer in your ways. I’m offering you my resources and my funding to help you with getting things back to how they’re supposed to be. We’ve assembled the League in our basement quarters, along with dozens of soldiers armed with the best weaponry my vast wealth can buy. Are you ready? (Hitler): Hell yeah! (Matt Ninesister): Very good. Matt speaks into a mic hidden in his jacket. (Matt Ninesister): Hoffman, the mole is now expendable. Get rid of him as soon as you can. (Hoffman): On it. I’m sending Stoon to dispose of him. Cut to Stoon walking up to a random civilian house. Molly Gunther answers the door. (Molly Gunther): Hello, can I help you? (Stoon): I’m here for Jerry. (Molly Gunther): I’m sorry, Jerry’s not here. (Stoon): Do you really think I buy that? Stoon pulls out a gun. (Stoon): I’ll repeat myself; I’m here for Jerry. (Molly Gunther): Oh my god! Molly Gunther runs away, and Stoon steps into the house. Jerry is relaxing on the couch. (Jerry): What are you doing here, Stoon? Need me for another job? (Stoon): Not exactly. Stoon blows Jerry’s brain out. Cut to an IHOP in Denver. Ben comes in. (IHOP Guy): Hello, sir! How can I help you today? (Ben): I’m here for your, uhh…. “American Delight Cream Pancake”? (IHOP Guy): That’s the code! The entrance is in the executive’s bathroom. I’ll help you there. IHOP Guy guides Ben into the executive’s bathroom. (Ben): Okay, so how do I activate the elevator? (IHOP Guy): We don’t have an elevator. You’re… you’re gonna have to flush yourself. (Ben): Oh, for real? Dammit, not again! First I had to flush myself in Detroit, then in Kentucky, and now here! Ben flushes himself down the toilet, and ends up in the Denver Plumber Base. Max is awaiting him. (Max): Thanks for coming to the ceremony, Ben. We’re all very heartbroken over the tragic loss of Jerry. (Ben): Molestache Jerry or Remake Jerry? (Max): Molestache Jerry. (Ben): Let’s just get this on with. I hate funerals. (Max): Everyone does, but the least we could do is pay our respects. Ben and Max walk into the main area, where benches have been placed for guests. At the end of rows of benches is a coffin and a picture of Jerry. Ben looks around and sees a couple of familiar faces, like Rook, Hobble, Remake Jerry, Dalton (the Frankenstrike from ReOTU), a crying Molly Gunther, and an old man with an eye patch sitting in a wheelchair who should look familiar. (Ben): Wait, is that… is that Colonel Rozum!? That’s right, it’s Rozum from UA! He has a wheelchair and an eye patch because he’s like, old and shit. (Max): Yep, that’s Rozum. (Ben): Why does he have an eye patch? (Max): Either it’s because he bravely fought for his country in the Time War, or because he tripped down the stairs one time. I don’t know, that guy never tells me anything. Ben and Max sit down on a bench as the ceremony starts. Rook takes the stage. (Rook): Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming to the funeral of our beloved friend and co-worker, Jerry H. Oyelowo. …his last name is Oyelowo, seriously? I didn’t even know he had a last name. Anyways, today we honor the life of Jerry, and the good times we had with him. (Old Lady): I THOUGHT TONIGHT WAS BINGO NIGHT (Rook): LATER, GRANDMA! ...you know what, someone give their speech, I need a Tylenol. Cricket noises. (Rook): No one? No one has a speech? Molly, do you have a speech? (Molly Gunther): No, not really. (Rook): You were his fcking fiancée, there’s gotta be something you have to say about him! (Molly Gunther): Sorry, I have no words. (Rook): Oh my god. Oh my fcking god. None of you know anything about this guy at all, do you? He worked here for 16 YEARS and no one knows even the slightest thing about him. Molly, what was his favorite color? (Molly Gunther): Uhh… green, I think. No, wait, purple! …or was it yellow? (Rook): Wow. You know what the worst part is? I can’t blame any of you. I probably know less about the guy than you people do. I didn’t even know his last name until just now. Hell, I already forgot it! I mean, how can one guy be THIS bland? THIS boring? It’s a fcking miracle! Fck this, I’m going home. Rook leaves the stage. (Ben): …wow. Cut to Ferrick and the Freakz waiting in their tour bus at the American-Mexican border. (Billy Larry): Okay, so we take a boat in Mexico to Gaysexland, and then we travel from gay-Melbourne to gay-Sydney and finally gay-Brisbane. (Ferrick): That sounds good. This is exciting. Ferrick gets a text from Ben. (Ferrick): It’s a text from Ben. I know that. (Ben’s Text): Hey F-dawg. Jerry passed away. Rook got f’ed up at the funeral, lol. Have fun in gsl *kissing smiley face* (Ferrick): It’s just Ben. (Crujo): Good. Better him than your ex-wife, huh? (Ferrick): Totally. (Kuphulu): Let’s bring out some beers! (Vicktor): Hell yeah! Zs’Skayr pulls a cool-box out of his guts and they all pull a beer out of it. (Zs’Skayr): To the Freakz! (All except Ferrick): To the Freakz! (Ferrick): To the Common Linnets. (Zs’Skayr): Actually, our name is the Freakz, Ferrick. (Ferrick): No. It’s the Common Linnets now. I changed it. (Lord Transyl): You can’t do that, Ferrick, you’re not even a part of the band! (Ferrick): I own all of you now. From now on, there will be no more rocking, just violin play. (Krujo): We don’t even have violins! Ferrick redraws Krujo’s gitar into a violin. (Krujo): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Close up on Ferrick. (Ferrick): You’re all my bitch now. Cut to Ben and Looma having milkshakes at the Milkybucks. Ben is looking sad. (Looma): You look upset, Ben. Is something wrong? (Ben): It’s nothing, I just…. *sigh* grandpa’s really pissed at me for everything I did. I didn’t get him a birthday present, I destroyed the Plumber base so now we all have to flush ourselves down the toilet at an IHOP in Denver… I just royally screwed up, Looma. (Looma): Oh, cheer up, Ben. This isn’t the first time you’ve messed up, and it won’t be the last time you’ll be forgiven for your mistakes. Your grandpa’s a good man, and he’s certainly not one to hold grudges. Also, he’s a 69-year-old man. Do you really still need to get him birthday presents? (Ben): You’re right, Looma. I should go apologize to him. (Looma): That’s my man. Ben and Looma get up and leave the Milkybucks. And then it explodes. Ben and Looma are knocked back by the force of the explosion. (Ben): WHAT THE *shrek*!? A jetpack-wearing Hussein comes flying down. (Hussein): Dammit! Zat was zoopposed to kill you, Ben Teneeson! (Ben): Saddam Hussein!? You’re still alive!? (Hussein): And stronger than ever! Laser rifles come out of Hussein’s jetpack and start fucking the place up. He blows up all kinds of different stores, like Mr. Smoothy’s, McDolan’s, Ferrick’s Lasagna Palace, Burger Shack, and even Hank Hill’s Propane and Propane Accessories. (Looma): You told me you buried him along with the Plumber base! (Ben): And I thought I did! Ben turns into Upgrade. (Upgrade): I’ll take that jetpack, thank you very much! Upgrade possesses the jetpack, but is almost immediately thrown out by special software. (Jetpack AI): Virus Away, trademark, has just successfully blocked a virus from entering your jetpack. Would you like to write a review on our website? (Hussein): Maybe later. Hussein shoots lasers at Upgrade, who does some sick back flips to dodge them. (Upgrade): Looma, look up “Virus Away” and see if there’s some kind of way to trespass it! (Looma): Got it! Looma gets out her Valve Tablet and searches Google for “Virus Away”. A link to the official Virus Away pops up. (Looma): Let’s hope this is what I’m looking for! Upgrade fires a laser at Hussein, who flies out of the way. The laser hits a Goodyear Blimp instead. Hitler shoots some lasers of his own, but Upgrade morphs into a pretzel shape to dodge them. (Hussein): I knew I should’ve taken a class for defeating Ben Teneeson! (Upgrade): You mean the class that Sunder gives at the University of Boulder? I should probably take him to court for that. (Looma): Ben, I got it! You need to enter a personal password to override the system! (Upgrade): Thanks, Looma! Upgrade gets back into the jetpack. (Hussein): You vill never guess my passvord! (Upgrade): Oh, really? Upgrade enters the password “BEINGADICKTOMYCOUNTRY123”. It works. (Hussein): Dammit. Upgrade successfully takes over the jetpack, and flies Hussein into the burning wreckage of Hank Hill’s Propane and Propane Accessories. Upgrade turns back into Ben and jumps onto the roof of the Baumannatorium just in time. (Hussein): You think zis fire hurts my new titanium skin!? HA! (Ben): Wait for the propane… The store explodes. (Ben): And the propane accessories… The store explodes again. (Ben): That should do it. Ben climbs down back to Looma. (Ben): Phew, that one was… difficult. Let’s go home, I’m kind of tired. Ben and Looma head home. Meanwhile, a thingy beeps on Hussein’s dead body. Cut back to the Electrician Headquarters. Hoffman walks into Matt Ninesister’s office, who is sitting behind his desk, with his back to Hoffman because that’s cool and shit. (Hoffman): Sir, we have a problem. Saddam Hussein’s vital signs show that he was killed in the fight with Ben Tennyson. (Matt Ninesister): Not a problem. Where one man falls, a dozen rise up from his ashes. We haven’t lost the fight just yet. (Hoffman): So what now, sir? (Matt Ninesister): …get me the “Hammer Down” protocols. (Hoffman): R-really, sir? Isn’t it a little early? (Matt Ninesister): They’re not for taking him out, you idiot. They’re for scaring him. (Hoffman): Oh, alright. I get it. Which protocol should I get? (Matt Ninesister): Get me… Australia. (Hoffman): Actually sir, I believe they call it “Australio” now. (Young Assistant): Actually, it’s Gaysexland now. (Matt Ninesister): Whatever, okay? I’m an old man, I don’t know about all the things you kids rename with your “Juicy Fruit” and your “Xbox 360”! Just get me what I want! Cut to Ben sitting on the couch with Looma. (Looma): Hey, Ben? (Ben): Yeah? (Looma): I noticed something while I was looking up Virus Away. (Ben): And that is? (Looma): The website said that Virus Away was developed by Electrician Incorporated. (Ben): Electrician Incorporated? Isn’t that the company owned by my grandpa’s high school rival, Matt Ninesister? (Looma): Yeah. It also said that Virus Away is only compatible with Electrician-developed products. (Ben): So that means Hussein’s jetpack was owned by Matt Ninesister! You think the United League of Stereotypes robbed Electrician Incorporated? (Looma): Actually, I think Matt Ninesister’s working with the League! (Ben): What!? That’s crazy! Why would he work with the world’s biggest dictators? (Looma): I did some research, look at this! Looma shows Ben Matt Ninesister’s Wikipedia page on her Valve Tablet. (Looma): It says here that Matt Ninesister was born in 1945, in the last moments of World War II. It also says that Matt’s childhood home was on Lauda Street, one of the most German neighborhoods in America. Think about it, a young kid, raised in a German neighborhood during World War II… (Ben): What, you think Matt’s a Neo-Nazi? Well, that does kind of explain some of the stories my grandpa told me about him, like how he would bring a picture of Eva Braun to school, and how he didn’t want to play with Schlemiel Newman during recess. (Looma): My theory is that Jerry was actually a mole for Matt Ninesister all along. He heard you and your grandpa talking about it during your grandfather’s birthday, then told Matt about it, and now Matt’s working with the United League of Stereotypes! (Ben): You’re a genius, Looma! I’m gonna go confront that guy about this! Ben rushes to the window for his usual “fly off with Astrodactyl to kick ass” thing until Looma stops him. (Looma): Ben, wait! Can you promise me one thing? (Ben): Uhh, sure, what is it? (Looma): Promise me… promise me you’ll be safe. (Ben): Of course I’ll be safe! (Looma): I’m just worried about you. That fight you had with Saddam Hussein was rough, imagine how tough the other League members could be! …just promise me you’ll be safe, okay? (Ben): Alright, alright! …I promise you I’ll be safe, Looma. (Looma): Good. Now go! (Ben): You got it! Ben turns into Astrodactyl. (Astrodactyl): Astrodactyl is gonna kick some ass, yo! Astrodactyl flies off. Cut to a press conference in gay-Melbourne for the Freakz. (Zs’Skayr): Next question, please. (Interviewer): Is it true you changed your name to the Common Linnets? (Zs’Skayr): No. (Ferrick): Yes. (Vicktor): Ignore our friend. (Ferrick): They only play violin now. (Lord Transyl): Stop it. (Interviewer): Is It true that you’re collaborating with Andrew Wilson for a video game adaption of your band? (Krujo): What? No! Andrew Wilson comes in. (Andrew Wilson): Actually, that’s very true. (Zs’Skayr): What the Hell is he doing here!? (Ferrick): I hired him. (Vicktor): DAMMIT, FERRICK! (Sunny): Hey, I have a question. (Ferrick): Ew gross I hate your design. (Sunny): Is it true that I’m the cutest chick ever? JK, I already know the answer. It’s yes. (Lord Transyl): Why are you even here? (Sunny): That bald guy wanted me to come. (Krujo): GODDAMMIT, FERRICK! I’M GONNA RIP HIS THROAT OUT! (Vicktor): Calm down, Krujo! Just let him be. (Ferrick): I also invited her boyfriend. Antonio comes bursting in. (Antonio): ANTONIO FIGHTS FOR LOVE! I AM ANTONIO! (Ferrick): Not anymore. (Zs’Skayr): DAMMIT FERRICK I HATE YOU (Andrew Wilson): So when do I get paid? (Sunny): Yeah, old man. Where’s the money? (Antonio): I am Antonio! Steve E. Gordon comes in. (Ferrick): Oh no, it’s my rival Steve E. Gordon. (Antonio): He’s not Antonio so Antonio does not care! (Steve E. Gordon): That’s right, Derrick! It’s me! (Ferrick): God dammit Steve it’s Ferrick not Derrick. (Steve E. Gordon): Do I look like I care? (Antonio): Antonio cares! Antonio fights for love! Steve sprays the whole place red. (Steve E. Gordon): Steve E. Gordon strikes again! Ohohohoho! Steve E. Gordon fucks off. (Zs’Skayr): This is the worst day ever! (Antonio): Not for Antonio! (Ferrick): At least I have good news. (Zs’Skayr): Really? (Ferrick): Disney hired you to do the soundtrack for Frozen 2. (Zs’Skayr): FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFU (Antonio): Antonio fights for LOOOOOOOOOOVE! Cut to Ben landing at Electrician Incorporated. He steps up to the receptionist. (Ben): Hi, I’m Ben Tennyson. I’d like to speak to Matt Ninesister. (Receptionist): Of course. Let me just check if he’s available… The receptionist looks at a list on her computer, the list being of people that are not allowed further access into Electrician Incorporated. • Dr. Mufflinbum • Judge Accident • Liam Neeson • Any Tennyson Family Member • TOM 4 • Revolver Ocelot • Any SNL Cast Member (Receptionist): …I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed in. (Ben): What? Why? Stoon and Hipple come in and throw Ben out into the street. (Stoon): Don’t show your face around here anymore, scum. (Ben): Dammit. I’m gonna need some help to get in. Cut to Ben talking to Molly Gunther and Hobble in an alley. (Ben): So here’s the plan; Hobble, you dress up like a pregnant woman, and Molly Gunther, you dress up like a man. There’s no way they’ll deny an expecting couple entry! (Hobble): It’s brilliant! (Molly Gunther): Why do I have to be the man? I’m a woman! Wouldn’t it make more sense if I was the pregnant wife? (Ben): Woah, who said anything about them being married? Don’t alter my screenplay, bitch. Cut to Molly Gunther and Hobble in drag walking up to the receptionist. Ben is hiding in Hobble’s fake baby bump. (Receptionist): Oh, isn’t that nice! An expecting couple! (Hobble): Hands off of my bump, you sexual deviant. (Molly Gunther): *in man voice* Uhh… We’d like to speak to Matt Ninesister, please. (Receptionist): Certainly. What’s your name again? (Ben): *whispering* Say your name is Bruce! Bruce and Wendy! (Molly Gunther): *in man voice* My name is, uhh… Ben Tennyson. (Receptionist): Get out. (Molly Gunther): *in man voice* Dammit! I mean… *in normal voice* Dammit! Cut to Ben, Hobble and Molly Gunther in the same alley as before. (Ben): Well that didn’t go well. (Molly Gunther): Wouldn’t it be better if I be the pregnant woman this time? (Ben): Oh hey, that does sound like a better idea. You could’ve just said so earlier. (Molly Gunther): …you are such an idiot. Cut to Hobble and Molly Gunther in normal clothing walking up to the receptionist. Ben is hidden in Molly’s baby bump. (Molly Gunther): I’m not sure how long I can hold this, Ben. You’re too heavy! Also, I’m freaking huge, and it’s really bad for my self esteem. (Hobble): I think you look pretty! (Ben): Just stick to the plan! (Hobble): Fine! (Receptionist): Can I help you two? (Hobble): Hello. My wife is pregnant. (Receptionist): I noticed that. (Hobble): Super pregnant. (Receptionist): Yep. (Molly Gunther): I’m über-pregnant. Like, if I were to get any more pregnant, I would burst. (Receptionist): Just tell me what you want already. (Hobble): I’d like one Matt Ninesister with a side of conversation. (Molly Gunther): I’ll have the same. (Receptionist): …aaaaalriiiiight theeeen. And your name is? (Hobble): My name is, uhh… Ten Bennyson. (Receptionist): Isn’t that nice. Mr. Ninesister will see you now. (Hobble): My wife is pregnant. (Receptionist): Piss off. Cut to Molly Gunther and Hobble walking into Matt Ninesister’s office. (Matt Ninesister): Ah, hello! You’re the… “Bennysons”, right? That’s an odd name, isn’t it? (Hobble): No. (Matt Ninesister): Whatever you say. Now, what can I help you nice folks with? Ben falls out of Molly Gunther’s fake bump. (Molly Gunther): Uhh, uhh! …Help, I’m giving birth! (Matt Ninesister): What the Hell is going on here!? (Ben): I know about your support of the United League of Stereotypes, Matt Ninesister! I put the pieces of the puzzle together, and found the answer! …well, technically, it was my girlfriend Looma, but… y’know. (Matt Ninesister): So you finally figured it out, huh? I’m surprised it took you this long. But I’m sorry to tell you that this is where your journey ends. Security! Stoon and Hipple come in. (Stoon): What’s the problem, boss? (Matt Ninesister): Bring this young man to the basement floor. We have a nice surprise for you, Tennyson. (Ben): You’ll never get me alive! Hipple tasers Ben. (Ben): oh momma I don’t wanna go to bed it’s a Saturday night can you read me a bedtime story Ben faints. When he wakes up, he finds himself tied to a chair in a dark room. (Ben): Where am I!? (Matt Ninesister): You’re right where I want you. Matt Ninesister steps out of the shadows. (Matt Ninesister): I have a surprise for you, Ben Tennyson. If you would focus your attention to the screen in front of you… A screen pops up. It’s a satellite view of Gaysexland. (Ben): Gaysexland? But that’s where Ferrick is! (Matt Ninesister): Exactly. Now, focus your attention to the other screen. Another screen pops up. It’s a live feed of a Jericho missile, a missile that splits into multiple smaller missiles before landing for even more destructive force. (Ben): Is that… A Jericho missile? (Matt Ninesister): Have the Plumbers ever told about the Hammer Down protocols? Oh, of course they haven’t, all they ever do is hide secrets from you. The Hammer Down protocols are, let’s say, little pieces of paper with disastrous effects. One man could simply file a document called “Hammer Down Australia” or “Hammer Down Portugal” to the big boss upstairs, and before you know, millions are dead. Hammer Down protocols were designed for whenever the American government feels like burning and killing millions of people. And now they’re mine. With the codes in my hands, I can destroy any part of the big blue marble I want, whenever I want. And this time, I spun my little globe around and landed my finger… on Australia. (Ben): You mean Gaysexland? (Matt Ninesister): Sure. (Ben): That’s not happening, you maniac! My friend is in Gaysexland, and I’ll be damned if I let you kill him and a million others! (Matt Ninesister): I’m sorry to break it to you, Tennyson, but you’re strapped to a chair and I have a missile at my command. I consider myself the winner of this situation. (Ben): Well… whatever! Ferrick doesn’t need me to protect himself! (Matt Ninesister): As we speak, your friend “Ferrick” is trapped in a press conference. He won’t know a missile is above his head until the fires consume him. (Ben): Damn you, Matt Ninesister! Damn you to Origin! Why are you such a villain? Who hurt you!? (Matt Ninesister): Because I’m bored. (Ben): Wow. (Matt Ninesister): World domination is surprisingly entertaining. You should try it! (Ben): …I should, shouldn’t I? (Matt Ninesister): But I must be off now, Tennyson. Enjoy the view. Matt Ninesister returns to the shadows. On the screen, the Jericho missile is launched. The screen then shows a world map, tracking the missile’s location. (Ben): Dammit, there’s gotta be something I can do! Uhh… Omnitrix, active voice command! (Omnitrix): Voice command online. (Ben): Yes! Okay, Omnitrix, give me Humungousaur! (Omnitrix): Transformation Matrix corrupted. Please perform a software upgrade at your closest Omnimatrix station. (Ben): Dammit. Okay, uhh… Omnitrix, open Skype. (Omnitrix): Skype opened. What would you like to do? (Ben): Do I have any active contacts? (Omnitrix): Four active contacts. Hobble, Molly Gunther, Rook Blonko, Max Tennyson. (Ben): Hobble and Molly Gunther? I wonder what happened to them. Actually, I don’t. Omnitrix, call Rook Blonko! (Omnitrix): Calling Rook Blonko. Cut to Rook shaking his paw at the Denver Plumber Base. His phone rings, and he picks up the phone Solo pick up the phone. (Rook): Rook Blonko here. (Ben): Rook, I have a situation. (Rook): Oh, that sounds bad. Do you need me to bring you clean underwear? (Ben): Not that type of situation! I’m being held captive by a villain in some kind of basement. You need to get the Plumbers together! (Rook): That sounds REALLY bad! Hey everyone, gather around! Ben Tennyson needs our help! All the Plumbers gather around Rook. Rook puts the phone on speaker. (Ben): Okay, everyone listen up. As of now, Matt Ninesister is our number one target. He’s secretly been helping the United League of Stereotypes all along by supplying weapons to them. He has set off a Jericho missile that’s flying above our heads as we speak, and if we don’t stop it right now it’ll destroy Gaysexland. I need all Plumbers on this case. (Rook): Alright, you heard the man! Everyone, split into groups. One group on the ground to hunt Matt Ninesister, one group in the air to hunt the Jericho missile, and one group with me to find Ben. Ben, do you know where the missile is right now? (Ben): Yeah, it should be somewhere over the Pacific right now. You have to hurry, though, Jericho missiles move extremely fast! (Rook): Then there’s no time to waste. Let’s move it, people! (Ben): Rook, do you know where Hobble and Molly Gunther are? (Rook): No, I don’t. Why? (Ben): Crap, they were with me when I got knocked out! (Rook): Don’t worry, Hobble and Molly Gunther can take care of themselves. …Well, Molly Gunther can take of herself. (Ben): And what about grandpa? (Rook): Magister Tennyson just clocked off for the day, he’s heading back home. Cut to Max coming home. He grabs some orange juice from the fridge and sits down on the couch. (TV): And now back to Oprah Makes Cartoons. (Max): Yay! However, there’s a spot of shadow in the room. And it looks like something (or someone) is lurking in there… (Matt Ninesister): Hello, Max. (Max): Matt? Matt Ninesister comes out of the shadows. With a fucking revolver. (Matt Ninesister): We need to talk. (Max): Don’t hurt me, Matt! I’ll do whatever you want! (Matt Ninesister): I’m here with some unfortunate news, Max. I’m afraid your grandson Ben is… no longer with us. (Max): …w-what? What did you do to him, you monster!? (Matt Ninesister): Oh, nothing yet. But soon, he’ll as dead as a doornail. (Max): You bastard! The Plumbers won’t let you get away with this! I won’t let you get away with this! (Matt Ninesister): Oh, you don’t get to have a say in this, Max. And the Plumbers won’t know about this as long as their leader can’t tell them. (Max): What do you mean? Matt Ninesister busts Max’s kneecaps by shooting them. (Max): AAAAAAGH! You fcking bastard! (Matt Ninesister): Oh, you flatter me. (Max): You’re not getting away with this! (Matt Ninesister): Don’t repeat yourself, Max. I’ve already gotten away with it. A Jericho missile is headed for Australia as we speak. The moment it hits, the Plumbers are dead. (Max): That doesn’t make any sense! …also, it’s Gaysexland. (Matt Ninesister): Oh, but it does. You see, the missile isn’t just any missile. It’s YOUR missile. When the military searches the destroyed wreck that was previously Australia and find the shell of the missile, scanning the code will allow the Navy to track it back to your home, right here. No one will ever even think to bat an eye at me. Even if you tell them, they’ll never believe you. (Max): You are evil! EVIL! (Matt Ninesister): Just shut up and die, old man. Matt Ninesister walks out of the house. Max tries to crawl after him, but he passes out due to major blood loss. Cut to the Freaks tour bus riding around in Gaysexland. (Billy Larry): For the last time, Ferrick, you don’t own our band! (Ferrick): Shut up. So anyways, from now on you won’t play any songs from Garfield: Am I Cool or What. Instead, you’ll play some classics from the Frozen soundtrack. (Kuphulu): FCK IT Kuphulu throws Ferrick out of the bus. Ferrick skips along on the road. (Ferrick): ow ow ow Ferrick comes to a stop. (Ferrick): You guys will never be anything without me. …Well, at least the weather’s nice. Ferrick looks up to the sky to see millions of pieces of missile raining down on Gaysexland. (Ferrick): …oh sht. The missile pieces fly into the ground and blow up everything. Ferrick is left as just a head. (Ferrick): I have an owie The shards of missile chase the Freakz tour bus. (Billy Larry): We gotta do something! (Lord Transyl): All we have is this wormhole into another dimension! (Kuphulu): Kinda odd that you bring a wormhole, but okay. Lord Transyl opens the wormhole, and the whole tour bus gets sucked into it. Finally, the rest of Gaysexland explodes. Cut to the school from Kim Possible. (Billy Larry): I’m not sure how we got here, but let’s party! And then the clip from Kim Possible happens. Cut to Ben, who’s still strapped to a chair. (Ben): Okay, this is taking way too long. Pikltrix, got any voice commands that could help me escape? (Pikltrix): You have one Escape Rope in your inventory. (Ben): Well, you could have said so earlier! (Pikltrix): No record was found of you asking me for ways to escape in the past 24 hours, please try again. (Ben): rude and uncalled for The pikltrix uses the escape rope. Ben spins around, rises to the ceiling, comes down again, stops spinning, and hurls. (Ben): So what now? Suddenly, an alarm starts to sound. (Speaker Voice): WARNING. SECURITY BREACH. AN UNKNOWN HOSTILE IS LOOSE IN THE BUILDING. (Ben): Oh, gimme a break! The lights turn on and the screens piss off. The lights reveal that the room is filled with TULOS people! (Ben): Oh, GIMME A BREAK! Ben turns into Lightvalve. Mussolini runs up to him, but Lightvalve punches him in the face, and Mussolini falls down dead. Stalin and Kim Jong Il attack Lightvalve from both sides, but he lifts them up and smashes them into each other. Gadaffi pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up Lightvalve. Lightvalve reforms into one and then turns into Armodrillo. He digs himself into the ground, and comes back up under Gadaffi. Armodrillo stabs Gadaffi until he kills him he kills him until he’s DEAD. Mao Zedong kicks Armodrillo’s ass with kung fu moves (because all Chinese people know martial arts). Armodildo turns into Brainstorm and shocks Mao Zedong to death. Hadeki Tojo calls upon hundreds of bomber planes to bomb Brainstorm. (Hadeki Tojo): PEARL HARBORRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUU The planes bomb the shit out of Brainstorm. When the smoke clears up, there’s no more Brainstorm, there’s only Atomix Grey Matter! (Atomix Grey Matter): Time to get revenge for what you did to Pearl Harbor, and to avenge those brave American soldiers and Ben Affleck! (Hadeki Tojo): No, pleaseu! I didn’tu mean itu! (Atomix Grey Matter): PACO TACO PACO TACOOOOOOO Atomix Grey Matter bombs the shit out of Hadeki Tojo. He then turns back into Ben, and falls onto the ground. (Ben): Jeez, that was… that was somethin’, alright. I need a nap… Rook and his group of Plumbers (Hobble, Molly Gunther, Remake Jerry, and for some reason Jimmy Jones) come tunneling through the wall. (Rook): Ben! We found you! (Ben): Oh, hey, guys! How did you find me? (Rook): We tracked you down using your Pikltrix. (Ben): Sounds like a good plot device. But there’s no time to waste! We gotta stop that missile, and then we take out Matt Ninesister! (Hobble): Bad news, Ben. The missile already blew up Gaysexland. (Ben): WHAT!? NOOOOOOOO, FERRICK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Hobble): Ferrick’s fine. (Ben): oh k (Rook): C’mon Ben, let’s go find your grandpa and see if he knows anything about Matt Ninesister. (Ben): You guys go find my grandpa, I’m gonna go home and freshen up. We’ll meet up again for the hunt on Matt Ninesister. (Rook): Sure. See you later. Cut to Ben’s home. Ben crashes in through the roof as Jetray, and then turns back. Looma runs into the room. (Looma): Ben, are you okay!? Rook told me you were being held captive in a basement! (Ben): I’m fine, Looma. I just wanna take a shower. (Looma): Why did you come through the roof? (Ben): I’m a little tired, okay? I had a fight with some of the dictators. (Looma): Oh my god! Are you sure you’re okay!? (Ben): For the last time, I’m fine, Looma! I’m gonna take a shower, please just get off my back. Ben walks into the bathroom and starts getting some towels. Looma follows him. (Looma): Ben, you gotta quit this! The United League of Stereotypes is dangerous, Matt Ninesister is dangerous! You’re gonna end up killing yourself! Please, just let the other Plumbers take this case! (Ben): I can’t, Looma! The Plumbers are all shaking in their panties after Jerry’s death. They realized that there could be spies in the Plumbers, that their lives could be in danger. They’re scared, Looma! And they’re all depending on me! I’ve always been the one who couldn’t be touched, who couldn’t be harmed, and now they need the invincible man to lead them during this time of fear! (Looma): Please, Ben, please! I know you, Ben! You can’t handle all of this! You’re in over your head! Ben puts down the towels and turns around to look at Looma. Fitting music kicks in. (Ben): …Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much lives I save a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop doing what I do? Thousands, no, MILLIONS of lives will be lost to some evil superpower, and the human race would fall. No, you clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Looma. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks! Looma has no words. She simply walks out of the room, and leaves Ben alone. (Ben): *sigh* God dammit. Ben gets a call from Rook. (Rook): Ben, you gotta come over to your grandpa’s place! Apparently Matt Ninesister came over and busted his kneecaps with a revolver! (Ben): I’ll be right over. Cut to Rook and his group lifting Max on to the couch. (Rook): You’re seriously hurt, Magister Tennyson. (Max): YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW THAT? (Rook): Jeez bitch I’m just trying to help. I called Magister Patelliday, he’ll be here any moment. I called Ben, too. Ben arrives as Astrodactyl. He turns back ands runs over to his grandpa. (Ben): Grandpa, are you okay? (Max): No. No, not really. But I have bad news, Ben. Matt Ninesister has put a code on the Jericho missile that, if decoded, will draw the Navy back to my house. The military will think it was actually the Plumbers that launched the missile, and not Matt Ninesister. (Ben): Oh, crap! But the missile already hit Gaysexland! What do we do now? (Max): If you can get me back to a Plumber base, I can contact the Pentagon and warn them about Matt Ninesister before they decode the code. Outside, the Rust Bucket 3 lands. Gwen and Kevin step out of it. (Gwen): Grandpa, we heard you needed our help! (Rook): You guys are just in time! Take Magister Tennyson to the nearest Plumber base. (Kevin): Uhh… okay, sure, I guess. Kevin and Gwen lift Max up and bring him into the Rust Bucket 3. They fly off into the sky. (Ben): Now we just need to take down Matt Ninesister. (Rook): But where could he be? (Ben): I dunno. I gotta think… think… think…. Ben has a Jimmy Neutron brain blast moment as we enter into his ear and whizz by all kinds of weird shit while in his brain, like bananas, a bottle of Sprite, bread, and milk. (Ben): Wait a minute, that’s my grocery list! (Jimmy Jones): I think Matt went back to the Washington base to get the rest of the League members! But, y’know, that’s just a theory. (Ben): A theory that could very well be true! Jimmy, you’re a genius! (Jimmy Jones): You don’t need to remind me that I’m a genius, Ben! I knew I was a genius ever since I won third price at my seventh grade science fair! (Ben): C’mon guys, let’s go down to the Washington base and see if Matt’s down there! The Chimerian Minivan comes crashing through the wall. (Psyphon): Are we late to the party? (Vilgax): I brought muffins! (Hobble): Oh, cool, muffins! (Molly Gunther): I like muffins! (Rook): Let’s go eat muffins! (Ben): Yeah! Everyone packs into the Chimerian Minivan, and they drive off into the sunset. Inside the minivan, Hobble is sitting next to Molly Gunther. (Hobble): So, uh, Molly, I sure hope Matt Ninesister’s in the Washington base, do you? (Molly Gunther): Yeah, me too. I mean, where else could he be? Either he’s in Washington, or he’s long gone by now. (Hobble): Man, that’s so true. You’re so, like, smart and stuff. (Molly Gunther): …Are you coming on to me? (Hobble): No! …maybe. …Yes. (Molly Gunther): I don’t mind if you hit on me! …I mean, I AM a widow, and that’s pretty cheap of you, but… I think it’s kinda cute! (Hobble): Oh, really? Hey, wanna go out some time? (Molly Gunther): I’d love to! (Ben): Eeeeewwww! Hobble in love grosses me out! Cut to the gang at the Washington base. (Rook): Looks like it was a fluke. Matt Ninesister’s not here. (Ben): Dammit, Jimmy Jones! You lied to us! (Jimmy Jones): I told you it was just a theory! (Ben): A false theory! Suddenly, the entire base explodes! After the smoke from the explosion passes, we see Ben (as Rocks) shielding his companions with a shield of rocks. (Hobble): Aw, sick! You’re a penis, gross! Rocks turns back into Ben. They look up at the giant hole that was previously the ceiling, and see a giant airship fleet! (Ben): Oh fiddlesticks! One of the airships projects a giant hologram of Matt Ninesister’s head. (Matt Ninesister): Greetings, friends. I’m glad you’re all to share this historic moment with me. (Ben): Matt Ninesister! Get down here and face me like a man! (Matt Ninesister): I don’t have time for your games, Tennyson. I have more important things on my mind! (Ben): You’ll pay for what you did to my grandpa! Ben turns into Eatle and jumps onto one of the airships. Using his amazing Eatle powers, he devours the entire airship and uses the newly obtained energy to shoot down several airships. Matt Ninesister comes out of the main airship. (Matt Ninesister): Ben, I’d like to introduce you to one of my new friends. I think you two have actually met before! A Forever Ninja jumps out of an airship and lands on Eatle’s airship. (Forever Ninja): *speaks Edward Norton Japanese* (Matt Ninesister): I had to import him from Japan. (Eatle): Bring it on, you robot ninja! …Man, how can such a cool concept be so lamely executed? Eatle and the Forever Ninja have a cool fight scene. In the end, Eatle does a Mortal Kombat execution by biting the Ninja’s head off and launching it into it’s body. (Eatle): Is that all you got, Matt? You’re gonna have to try harder to take me down! (Matt Ninesister): Then harder I’ll try. An airship comes up and shoots Eatle in the face. He gets knocked out and falls over. Cut to Ben’s dream world. Ben stares into a very bright light. (Ben): W-who’s there? OMC Ben steps out of the bright light. (OMC Ben): Hello, Benjamin. I am here to aid you on your quest to defeat Matt Ninesister. (Ben): Really? Are you gonna give me advice? (OMC Ben): Yes. Follow my advice, and you will be able to take down not only Matt Ninesister, but all your enemies. (Ben): And what’s the advice? (OMC Ben): Kick him in the arse! (Ben): Thanks, OMC me! I’ll do that! Cut back to the real world. Eatle gets up and jumps onto Matt Ninesister’s airship, and eats his way into it. (Eatle): This is as far as you go, Ninesister! I’m gonna finish you right here, right now! (Matt Ninesister): You really think you can take me down? You are as big as a fool as your grandfather. No one can kill Matt Ninesister! I am eternal! I am forever! I AM— (Eatle): --an awful man that abuses his wealth and weaponry for evil! (Matt Ninesister): What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, have at you! Outside, the Chimerian Stapler ravages through a wave of airships. However, one airship hits the Stapler in the cockpit, and it turns out to be a fatal blow as it crashes into Mount Rushmore. (Vilgax): Ow, my toe! (Psyphon): MY SKIN IS BURNING! (Vilgax): Don’t be such a baby! Cut back to inside Matt Ninesister’s airship. Matt throws a book at Eatle’s Pikltrix, and he turns back into Ben. (Ben): Whatever! I can take you out myself! Ben jumps Matt Ninesister and pushes him onto the floor. He hits him left and right until he starts bleeding. Rook falls into the airship through the hole that Eatle left. (Rook): Ben, what are you doing? (Ben): You almost killed my grandpa! You almost killed ME! You almost killed MILLIONS! AND NOW I’LL KILL YOU! (Rook): Bendude, calm the Kev down! Rook pulls Ben off of Matt Ninesister. However, he’s too late. Matt is dead. (Rook): Ben, what the Kev! You killed him! What the *shrek* is wrong with you!? (Ben): I… *sigh* It’s been a long day. An alarm starts to sound. The airship takes a steep dive into the ground. Ben turns into Astrodactyl and pulls Rook with him as he flies out of the airship before it crashes. The rest of the airships crash as well. Astrodactyl and Rook land back on the ground, and Astrodactyl turns back into Ben. (Rook): Well, that was convenient. Cut to Ben and the group having some chocolate milk at the Chimerian Minivan, which is parked somewhere along the road. Parked next to the Chimerian Minivan is a helicopter, which belongs to a government agent. (Government Agent): Well, Mr. Tennyson, it’s gonna be difficult to handle all the media for what went down here, but we’ll have to try. In the mean time, it’s best you lay low for a while, seeing as you killed a major business tycoon. (Ben): Yeah, I know. Thanks for helping out, officer Mulder. (Government Agent): I want to believe. The government agent steps into the helicopter and fucks off. (Ben): This was some heavy sht that went down here. (Rook): Sure was. Are you okay, Ben? You looked pretty stressed out back there. (Ben): I’m just tired, man. I think I’m gonna go home to Looma. (Rook): You do that. Ben turns into Astrodactyl and flies off. Cut to Looma sitting on the couch at Ben’s home. Ben comes through the door. Looma stands up, walks over to Ben, and stares at him. Then she smiles, and they hug. Aww. CREDITS Post credit scene with Stoon and Hipple having a drink in the bar. The Dancing Pikl Show plays on a TV in the background. (Hipple): Well… so what do we do now? Suddenly, the door swings open, and a bright purple light glows. (Narrator): Who or what could that purple light? Will Hobble end up with Molly Gunther? Is Matt Ninesister really dead? And what happened to the other dictators? Find out next time on… STICK 10: EVEN MORE SWAG! Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! DIRECTED BY Solo WRITTEN BY Ancy CAST SOLO as BEN/BAUMANN/PSYPHON/BILLY LARRY/OTHERS ANCY as ROOK/MAX/LOOMA/FERRICK/VILGAX/HITLER/STALIN/KUPHULU/OTHERS SALT as ASTRODACTYL/KRUJO OPRAH as GABEN/VICKTOR/ANDREW WILSON JACKINDAGO55 as HIPPLE GHOSTREAPER as STOON TWIN DEVILS as SUNNY/STEVE E. GORDON BRANDONSIMMONS as ANTONIO EMILY KOCH as MOLLY GUNTHER MALCOLM RAY as HOBBLE KYLE HEBERT as EATLE/NARRATOR JON ETHERIDGE as INTERVIEWER JON BAILEY as OMC BEN YOTAM PEREL as OLD LADY with LLOYD KAUFMAN as HOFFMAN and DON FRYE as MATT NINESISTER SPECIAL THANKS Don Frye Lloyd Kaufman Salt Oprah Peter Capaldi Category:Scripts